Why do I take photographs? Why am I a photographer?

I have been taking images on and off since I was a child. The first image I remember taking was in 1961. My mother and I were traveling with two of her friends on a cross country trip. I was 7 years old. We got to Yellowstone Park which was, as I recall, much emptier, wilder, and crazier than it is now that tourists have totally overwhelmed it. We had stopped to look at something but had not yet left the car. Suddenly a bear appeared and climbed on the car. The adults froze in terror. I was seven and thought this was really neat. (Hey, it was 1961) I grabbed my mother’s camera and took a few shots. To this day I still think they were not bad given the situation.

Flash forward 12 years and I was in college and a theater major. I hated the images the theater staff photographer took of the plays I directed so I started doing it myself and continued doing it through graduate school where I got an MFA in Directing (how pointless – kids, unless you want to teach in university…don’t bother). 

I continued to take pictures throughout my young and middle adulthood, I always had a good semipro camera but nothing special. 

I worked in NYC for 10 years in theater as a Stage manager, Producer, and Artistic Director of a theater company. Off-off Broadway, it did not pay well. As Katherine, my wife, partner, and love of my life says: “When we came to NYC you were in the second lowest paid profession. Now? A Photographer? The worst paying gig in the world” (I think she is joking)

Anyway, I drifted in the corporate world (Insurance, steady paycheck, mind numbing client suck up) held on for 21 years and reached the exalted position of Regional Vice President. Then my brain exploded and I arranged to get canned with a pretty good severance package for the time. 

On June 30, 2011, I left the corporate world. Katherine and I had a big celebration planned for her birthday on July 2. On July 1st her doctor called and said her mammogram and other tests had returned a bad result. She had breast cancer. 

Surgery, Chemo. On one hand, I had the time to take care of her and be there for our 15-year-old child. On the other hand, while she had excellent insurance and worked for a “good” company”, and we had a very good nest egg created over the years of corporate work, no income.

Chemo knocks the hell out of you. I would stay with her until she fell asleep and, no idea why, when she did fall asleep, I would walk down to the Hudson River and take pictures. It was a mediation I think, a way to calm myself. I was looking for a job that I did not want but that would pay. Once the chemo ended, and the radiation began, Katherine said to me: “Stop. I do not want to live with someone throwing their life away in a job they hate. You have shot every day since I got sick. Admit it. Become a photographer.”

So, in the course of the next four years I began.

I hit a speed bump in July 2015 (July is a bad month for us) when I was diagnosed with lung cancer. I had my upper right lobe removed and spent a number of months learning how to breathe again. Life threatening diseases focus you. Photography is not a lucrative profession to begin with unless you are 1: good and lucky; 2: lucky; 3: good and lucky and 4: begin young when you can be the next new thing or 5: lucky.

I learned the editing program, Lightroom and began to teach hobbyists. As I got better, other professional photographers would pay me to straighten out their messy catalogues. A friend from my theater days was an Acting Teacher and sent me her students when they needed head shots. I scrambled as all freelancers do. And for the first time since I left the theater, I was happy doing what I did.

My first personal project involved shooting the Hudson River from the Statue of Liberty to the river’s source flowing south from the outlet of Henderson Lake. From that point on, the stream is cartographically known as the Hudson River. The US Geological Survey uses this cartographical definition. The romantic source is Lake Tear of The Clouds in the Adirondack Park at an altitude of 4,322 feet, but my knees said NO, you are not doing that.

My second project involved aquaculture in Wellfleet, Ma which then pivoted into the Lonely House Project. The house is owned by the renowned author Annie Dillard (Katherine showed her some of the images and she wrote me a note that said: “Robert! What wonderful pictures! Thank you for your skill and generosity! Your new fan. AD” (Based on the amount of explanation points I think, despite being in her 70’s, at heart she is Gen Z)

Then, while driving my child back to Smith College after Thanksgiving in 2016, he said to me: “My name is Asher, my pronouns are he, him, his, I am trans-masculine”. This was the genesis of everything I have shot since then. I have called the project “Trans_Lucent” and at first, I consciously shot it as a father’s response to his child’s transitioning. While my mouth made all the right noises: “You are my child, I love you, I will always love you, I have your back”… My brain was exploding. 

My heart immediately accepted but it took my brain about six months. Since then I have realized that, in some way, everything I shoot is part of this project, but in a more interesting and universal way. 

My photography is now a tone poem about cancer, and cancer, and our apartment flooding in 2016 and being unable to live at home for 1 year 1 month and 1 week. When we were finally able to move back in, my mother was dying. She had one grandchild, Asher, and would not let him visit her even as she was on her death bed. She died on 12/15/2017. Asher had his top surgery on12/21/17. His cat, Blossom, who we got when he was 4, died of renal failure on 1/15/18. The same disease that killed my mother.

The questions I asked at the top of this essay, “Why do I take photographs? Why am I a photographer?” I have answered in part here, I think. But there are two other very personal reasons.

Asher was diagnosed with ADD and dyslexia in 2010. The Psychologist who did the testing told us the results and then looked at me and said: “Mr. Johnson, have you ever been tested for ADHD because you show many signs…” I thought I was dyslexic but had no idea I might have ADHD (although later Katherine told me she thought it was true.) I was tested and, yes, I do have ADHD and I am dyslexic (you should see how often spell check has laughed at me as I type this)

What does that matter? 

When I look through the viewfinder (I never use the display screen) left eye closed and right eye in the viewfinder, I am in control. I see only what I choose. Nothing distracts me. The old joke: “I have been told I have ADHD, but I don’t think…Oh a squirrel!” is 100% reality. Once you have an image in the eyepiece the only squirrel who will disturb you is one who walks into the frame. Can you miss things? Certainly, but your other four/five senses which you cultivate, tend to alert you.

It also seems that I have Aphantasia although it has not been diagnosed. Aphantasia is the inability to create mental images in your mind.  I have no “mind’s eye”

I always thought when I was in an acting class or mediation group that when the leader said: “Close your eyes and visual your favorite beach or a beautiful meadow or your partner’s body” that like me, all they saw was darkness and they used words to create a story. Boy, was I wrong.

It seems most of you “see” stuff and not darkness. 

Since I have no “vision” of what I want to shoot, I believe this helps me in the field. I just go out and see what I see and then shoot it. No vision, no upset if what I wanted isn’t there because I never saw what I wanted.

On the other hand, in the studio this can be a massive problem. Most photographers show up with the props and accessories they want, have told the subjects ahead of time what “look” they are going for. I waste time having to look then and start to think about what I see. But when you have the time…?